………………..Nurse!

With the Giants’ season on life support, the current state of affairs has landed one of their biggest fans in the hospital.

John Maldonado said after this week’s 36-21 loss, simply: “Call Dr. Kevorkian.”  Only 5 weeks in, the G-men have produced twice the amount of turnovers (20) than they have touchdowns (10), and being in the NFC East is the only thing keeping the Giants and Mr. Maldonado alive. As Big Blue takes on the Bears on Thursday, the outlook is touch-and-go at best.

“I don’t know who’s to blame in all of this” Maldonado inquires. “I could say it’s the defense, Eli, the lack of a running game, or the amount of food and beers I’ve consumed to help temper the pain and embarrassment.” Coach Coughlin chimes in: “We have to do better for our fans.  It’s not fun to see people like John suffer for our ineptitude.  They expect more, and so do I. Though Mr. Maldonado should probably try not to down 6 pizzas to cure the depression.”

Doctors say that this is something they’re seeing more of. Dr. Genghis Ochoquatro of Stony Brook Hospital adds “Mr. Maldonado isn’t Patient Zero of the current football season. Most of what we see are cases of shock and depression, though we’ve seen a lot of hair loss and complications due to eating crow.”  For sure, this isn’t something you see from Jets fans.  Evolution and conditioning through years of disappointment has made them a certain sort of “Super-fan” also seen in cities such as Buffalo, Detroit, and Philadelphia.

A good prescription for anyone suffering through this 0-5 start is a healthy diet, meditation, and a dosage of 1 win at a time.  Without the wins though, it becomes tougher.  Without the Yankees in the playoffs this year, there is no distraction from the pain, stinging those a little more with the success of the Boston Red Sox.  This may be a good time to take in some fall foliage, start a hobby, or go pumpkin picking.  “There are some good tours out there for displaced fans” says LeShorn Balsac of  “Plans For Fans”, a New York based company that regularly serves the New York Met fan community. “We have terrific trips that are tailor-made for men, women, and even families to explore something beyond their failed sports seasons–an escape if you will.”  “This is new territory for our company.  We’ve added a new pin-striped bus to serve our new customers, and now we’ve just ordered a fleet of blue and red ones to balance out our green ensemble.”

Get well soon, Johnny.